2011: The Year That Was

Twenty-eleven is the first year in a while that I can look back at and say, "Yeah, it's been a long year." Usually I'm in disbelief that it's already the next calendar year, but for a variety of reasons, 2011 felt like a complete year, in a good way.

A quick rundown of times to remember, with apologies at any momentarily forgotten moments.

- My last Edge retreat (Jeff Lee's posse)
- WWKDDMTAP (and maybe a few other things)
- BWAM Boise (the first)
- UCI vs. UCLA baseball (walk-off at Jackie Robinson)
- Graduation (four celebratory meals in two days)
- The last shining moments in 122 (probably never to be replicated)
- Mammoth (a return to the joys of fishing)
- A LV 4th of July (no photographic evidence of the men)
- LSAT studying (Blueprint, not leaving the house much)
- LSAT taking (unfortunate borderline score, fortunate no retake)
- Applications (round two)
- The birth of Zotcubed (thanks for the readership)
- Cardinals Winning the World Series (Phillies, Brewers, David Freese Game 6)
- Boston (Lechmere, Dunkin' Donuts, Scarves and hats)
- Black Friday madness (madness, i tell ya)
- UCLA (third time's a charm)
- Pujols leaving (sad days)
- Finding my first full-time job (get money, get paid)

Thanks for the good times 2011. You were a year to remember.

Wowzers

Three days later, and I remain flabbergasted.

It feels great to know where I will be next year, and also to know that I won't be far from friends and family. I'm humbled and amazed by the opportunity I now have before me.

Thank you all for your overwhelming firestorm of support. God is good, and his plan is greater.

Now, I just have to get used to rooting for another SoCal school besides UCI...

get money, get paid.

It's somewhat weird that my first full-time job starts tomorrow. The fact that it's not the most prestigious gig doesn't help either. Nonetheless, I am thankful that I found a paying job somewhat quickly, and I am thankful that it is close to my present location.

Recently I've realized that in my struggle to cope with this gap year and the liminal in general, I need to slow things down and enjoy the present more. I'm in a hurry to find out my next step of life, to move on to independent living, to be able to tell people what I'm currently up to without dreading doing so. This period of life, as unappreciated as it generally is by all who share it, is still unique and valuable as a growing process. Although it's harder to discover how exactly that growth is supposed to happen, I think being grounded in humility is a beginning.

Cheers to new stages in life and being able to appreciate them despite their frustrations.

Done

It's weird to be done with the whole application process that started back in June. I'm excited to move on to my next stage in life, trusting that I will end up where I am supposed to be. Hopefully these next nine months will be productive in the interim.

On a separate note, welcome Mike Matheny and a new era of Cardinal baseball. Always liked him as a player, and I will go on the record to say that I think he will do a good job, along the lines of a Joe Girardi.

11 in '11

Yesterday was a day for not only the history books, but the memory books as well. The improbable run and underdog mentality (21 of 25 ESPN "experts" had Texas winning) is just icing on the cake. I found it heart-warming that everyone, even those who don't even like baseball, were congratulating me yesterday right after the fact. I said thanks as if I had done something, but really, it's about being a fan for every single year paying off on days like these. Although I did lose a lot of enthusiasm when they were down in the dumps, I'm proud to say that I never gave up on them. It's a lesson in perseverance and giving it your all even when the odds are stacked up against you. It's a classic example of teamwork with everyone contributing their own part. Most of all, it's an example of just how much unifying joyful exuberance can come from a simple game of baseball.

Thanks everyone for sharing the memory.

Cardinals 10, Rangers 9

What a magical night of baseball. It's hard to even recap in words all the different moments that piece together into an outcome that I will never forget. I'm glad that I never gave up hope when we were down in the 8th inning (and Facebook can prove this). I had a good feeling against Adams and once they showed that statistic of Feliz being 7/7 in save chances in the postseason, I had this gut feeling that we definitely had a shot. As everyone keeps saying, it really is the perfect metaphor game for a season where the Cards have never quit. I'm going to reserve further comment on the season until after Game 7, but I wanted to preserve this night of jubilation. Or as ESPN would say, "Freese Frame."

Joe Strauss's fitting lede in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch: "The Cardinals have moved beyond the unlikely, through the implausible and onto the absurd. Thursday night before the largest crowd ever to watch a game at new Busch Stadium they added a chapter too complex to fully understand but too compelling to ignore."

These are the games that make baseball truly a special sport, unique from every other. It was great to see people that usually don't watch actually get into it and admit to being sucked into the excitement. It was great to have people reach out to me because I'm one of the only Cardinal fans they know, and wanted to express how happy they were for me. Just crazy. I'll see you tomorrow.

World Series 2011

Somehow, this series seemed anticlimactic and less triumphant than the Phillies series, despite all the bad blood and rivalry that was supposed to make this Cardinals-Brewers series exciting. Maybe because most of the games weren't that close, but the Brewers' "beast mode" antics seemed like more of an annoying side act than a full on nuisance, and somehow our bullpen pitched so well that we didn't even have to worry, which is half the fun. Just a weird, dominant, but mostly weird series.

Anyway, I'm still very appreciative of the Cardinals appearing in only their third World Series since my birth. Considering that we've been in the NLCS seven times over that span, this is quite the rarity. Of course, Padres fans and most every non-large market team (and some large market teams, hello Cubs fans) probably think I'm taking it for granted. I guess sometimes it's just hard not to take things for granted when you have been the greatest National League team over the last 15 years.

Ok, done gloating. Hopefully this hasn't been too obnoxious to read.

for the love of the Cardinals

Warning: this post is going to be me basically just geeking out and reveling in the greatness that is being a St. Louis Cardinals fan. Just so you can stop reading now if you so desire.

6 NLCS appearances and 8 playoff appearances in the last 12 years.

I have been blessed. The Cardinals have never really had a team that has been embarrassing to root for, but in recent years, the magic of the cards had seen to ware off somewhat. No playoffs in '07 and '08, a forgettable NLDS in LA in '09, and once again no playoffs in '10. Many thought we were done in '11 too, and I admit that I all but threw in the towel this year. Never stopped following them, but it looked pretty dang grim. And now, the Cards are NLCS bound, having toppled the mighty Phillies, the team with four aces, about to face their hated divisional foes... I can't say for sure whether we'll advance to the World Series, but I can say that I'd rather have Albert, Carpenter, Yadi, and the rest of the gang over any other team in the world.

And just for kicks, a look back at the rest of the NLCS teams I've had the pleasure to follow in my lifetime.

'96 - I confess that this was the first year I really paid attention to baseball, and in a time before the internet, my knowledge about things were spotty. All I knew is that we choked a 3-1 lead against the Braves in grand fashion, and that Donovan Osbourne didn't cut it. But we had the Benes brothers, HOF closer Dennis Eckersley and soon forgotten Todd Stottlemyre who I really liked for some reason, Brian Jordan, Ron Gant and Ray Lankford, the immortal Gary Gaetti, and of course the last years (and only year for me unfortunately) of Ozzie Smith and Willie McGee. A fan was born.

(Home run chase interlude, Big Mac craze comes and goes)

'02 - I remember I was in 6th grade, and we watched parts of Game 1 of the NLDS during school when Rick Ankiel inexplicably lost his command. Still a great great team that featured a 20 win season from Darryl Kile and one of those one-year wonder years from Garrett Stephenson. Loved Vina, Renteria and Tatis from this team, as well as Jim Edmonds in his absolute prime (42/108/.295). Loved Placido Polanco and Will the Thrill, and also Woody Williams' phenomenal 2.28 era in 11 starts to end the season. To be honest I don't even remember how we lost to the Mets 4-1.

'03 - OK so we didn't make it to the NLCS, but only because we faced a brutal Diamondbacks team with Schilling and Randy Johnson in the NLDS. Should be noted for the beginning of the Albert Pujols era and the end of the Big Mac era.

'04 - The 105 win team. MVP3 plus Larry Walker. Just a phenomenal team that was a pleasure to watch. Coincidentally the first year So Taguchi really played a big part on the team. Unforgettable 4-3 NLCS win against the Astros. Of course, Jimmy Ballgame's walk-off jack in the 12th of Game 6, but people forget that Jeff freakin' Suppan outdueled Roger Clemens (on steroids) in Game 7. This should never be forgotten. This is an Astros squad that features Biggio, Berkman, Beltran, Jeff Kent and Jeff Bagwell, along with Roy Oswalt and Clemens. I don't even care that the Red Sox did something memorable this year.

'05 - Another fantasy team and 100 win squad. Memorable for having Carpenter's 21-5 season as well as Mark Mulder's one year of usefulness. Also, David Eckstein's grit and Albert's monster jack off of Brad Lidge in Game 5. Sadly, this was the Astros' year to go to the world series and get demolished.

'06 - Can't believe this is the last time the Cardinals were in the NLCS. Of course, this team was worse than all of the other ones above, and of course this was the team that won it all. People forget So Taguchi's home run in the 9th off of Billy Wagner in Game 2, and the unlikelihood of Yadi's bomb in Game 7. Taguchi hit 2 homers all year, and Yadi hit .216 on the season. Enter Wainwright, enter freezing Beltran on the called three strike, and enter a fitting cap to the end of the Edmonds/Rolen/Pujols glory years.

With all that being said, I get the same excitement of cheering for the underdog for this '11 team, except with more confidence. It was just bewildering seeing Jeff Weaver and Anthony Reyes win big games for us, but this team is more solid. I like the veteran presence, and I like the spunk from the young guys. Instead of Eckstein, we have Punto. The confidence and "nothing to lose" attitude is evident. Instead of the Astros, enter another NL Central rival, the Brewers. You couldn't ask for a better drama filled series. It's good to be a Cards fan.

Phil 4:6

Grant me strength and trust in Your abundance tomorrow morning. You are so good to me, and no matter what, Your plan is wonderful.

And as City Harmonic says... AHHH-MENNNNNNNNNNNN!!!

gratifying

There is something gratifying about receiving email responses from people on the same day that the original email was sent. Sort of like when you see an increase in your score over time due to steady studying. It's a feeling of "hey, this is exactly how I hoped things would turn out."

I hope things can continue down this path in a grander scale, but I know that even if they don't, God's plan not aligning with my own is something I can embrace anyway.

blogging

Is it just me, or do writers oftentimes question their own writing ability? But "non-writers" (if that is a real category) probably do that too. Maybe everyone is a writer, just of varying skill levels. Who knows.

I'm also pretty sure that blogs exist only so you can look back in the future and laugh at yourself, and (hopefully) see how far you have come.

Ranch > Two-story

Having lived in both structures for a thorough amount of time now, I just wanted to provide a note to self for the future...

Everyone being on one story promotes community and communication. You get less people separating themselves into their own rooms on different floors with people hollering and replying "WHAT?!" because they're too far away to hear each other. Plus, in the summer time the second floor gets too dang hot.

On a separate but related note: trade that second story in for a basement. Provides the perfect cool (in both senses) hangout place yet with ample communication ability - just a shout downstairs or loud stomp away.

more thoughts on living at home

85% of college grads moving back home. 35% of young people unemployed. These are stats that have been bandied about recently, but it only scratches the surface. The real hardship with living at home is the abrupt departure in community that college grads face; we go from being "kings of the campus" with comfortable circles and familiar faces to the seemingly barren and isolated bottom of life's totem pole.

Beyond not having some of my best friends just a phone call and five minute drive away, my spiritual walk is gasping for air too. I tried my best all of senior year to comprehend and prepare for it - leaving my stable church community and returning to somewhere that is no longer what I am accustomed to or even what I left really. But I guess you can't ever fully prepare for it. "Making your faith your own" was a mantra my older friend imparted on me regarding post-grad life, but now that I actually have to do it... it's tough. Being spoon-fed messages and bible studies and worship practices was like a convenient pull-up machine stand that helped guide my way up. Without it, it's much harder to do pull-ups. (Note: Not saying that it is impossible to find a new church community back here at home, but it is hard to see any fellowship/young adult ministry being as dynamic/intensive as a college group, if for no other reasons than time.)

I've been going over the books in the Gospel recently, and even though they're such familiar stories, it's amazing how you can always glean something new from them. In John 18, Jesus is arrested and Peter denies him three times before the rooster crows. It's an emotional and gripping 40 verses. What's interesting though, is that when the heat of the moment is there, and Jesus is actually getting arrested, Peter has no problem acting out and being the bravest and most action-oriented disciple - he freaking slices off poor Malchus' ear (Another name in the Bible that for some odd reason has not lasted into modern times. Poor Malchus). But then when Jesus is gone and Peter is all of a sudden left alone, he loses the ability to even admit any affiliation with Jesus. On top of this, Jesus had called Peter out beforehand, and predicted that this would happen. If someone says to you "You're totally going to fail me man. Just watch. I know it..." you usually try even harder to not fail that person, if only to prove them wrong. But not Peter. And this is Peter, one of the strongest disciples, that we're talking about.

These next ___ months at home will be interesting, despite being anything but interesting at times. I hope that at the end of it all I can say that I was able to make the most out of it and come away with a faith that is my own, and even stronger than before because of it.

St. Louis/SD

I don't know what it is but in the last couple of weeks, I have had four separate occasions of random people in San Diego acknowledging/talking to me about their connections with St. Louis.

1. We're at the Del Mar Racetrack two weeks ago, and I'm wearing my So Taguchi Cardinals T-shirt Jersey. This girl walks by with her friends/family and points me out, saying "This is what I'm TALKING about! True fans. Go Cardinals!" while walking away. A slightly amused mother quips "..She's from St. Louis."

2. At Starbucks last week, I was minding my own business, studying by myself because this is the sad sad life I lead nowadays I was trying to get some studying done when the guy next to me wearing a UCSD Surgery fleece says "Excuse me, I saw your laptop sticker (STL represent) and was wondering, are you from St. Louis?" "Oh yeah, I grew up there." This turns into a decently long conversation about how he went to medical school there and his various thoughts about how it really is the most dangerous city in America and how his friend is going there for law school. I converse with him about such topics as best as I can before bringing up the fact that there are actually a lot of people I meet in San Diego from St. Louis. He says "really? I don't know many.." when, IMMEDIATELY,

3. Another guy, older in age, looks up from his laptop about 15 feet away from us and says "You guys talking about St. Louis?" Turns out he grew up there "way back in the day." He makes some comments about how it's a great place to grow up (word), whereas the UCSD Surgery rep repeats his thoughts about crime and violence to this new guy. Point proven.

4. At the Padres Marlins game, a nice older lady looks at my scorebook and asks how long I've been doing it for. I say "about ten years" to which she responds "good for you! You know, there's a new book on Stan Musial, my husband is reading it and he is really enjoying it. Just thought you might enjoy it too." I know about this new book because I am a Cardinals fan. I tell her this and the fact that I used to live in St. Louis, and she responds that her and her husband were originally from St. Louis as well. Apparently they used to live around old Busch (not sure I or II) and listen to Harry Carey while simultaneously hearing the crowd reactions from outside the stadium.

There is no real point to all this, but I just thought it was funny and enjoyable. Every time I have one of these sorts of conversations, I feel an odd rush of adrenaline tinged with nostalgia. I'm glad that I grew up in such a different and pride-evoking place. It has definitely added some dimensions to who I am today.

humbling

I knew moving back home would be different, but I never expected it to reveal my inadequacies so blatantly. You expect to have moved on past certain mistakes and boneheaded judgments once you graduate, but evidently that is not the case.

God, thank you for humbling me. Please allow me to be persistent in doing everything I can to follow you and start thinking with more clarity and wisdom.

thankful for this girl

<3

Top 25 Songs of College

Thought this would be interesting to look back at: The soundtrack of my undergraduate career, as told by my iTunes top 25 from my trusty Dell laptop.

I have no explanation as to why there are so many Owl City songs. Don't judge!

1. It's So Hard to Say Goodbye to Yesterday - Boyz II Men (64)
2. Rainbow Veins - Owl City (61)
3. On the Wing - Owl City (58)
4. Hosanna - Hillsong United (56)
5. Brick - Ben Folds Five (55)
6. Hello Seattle - Owl City (53)
7. One Headlight - The Wallflowers (52)
8. The Saltwater Room - Owl City (52)
9. Sloop John B (cover) - Relient K (50)
10. Unashamed - Starfield (50)
11. Sweetly Broken - Jeremy Riddle
12. Africa (cover) - Straight No Chaser
13. Let it Snow - A Fine Frenzy
14. Forrest Gump Theme - Alan Silvestri
15. Goodbye Yellow Brick Road (cover) - Keane
16. Everything - Michael Buble
17. I Am Free - Newsboys
18. Luv (Sic) Pt3 - Nujabes
19. Daylight - Matt & Kim
20. Feather - Nujabes
21. Wishlist - Pearl Jam
22. The Stand - Hillsong United
23. Sleigh Ride - Relient K
24. Viva la Vida - Coldplay
25. Come On Eileen - Dexys Midnight Runners

Notable late arrivals to the party (as revealed by my lastfm last 12 months)
Silhouettes - The Nylons
Happy Ending - MIKA
You Never Let Go - Matt Redman
Savior King - Hillsong United
Elephant Love Medley - Moulin Rouge

New Layout

Decided to change up my blog design to mark being done with my college career, (although it still doesn't really feel like it) with the main inspiration coming from a recent trip to Mammoth Lakes.

To paraphrase Traci...it's as if God were up there painting the skies, smudging beautiful streaks of color together in the sunset.

When through the woods and forest glades I wander
And hear the birds sing sweetly in the trees;
When I look down from lofty mountain grandeur
And hear the brook and feel the gentle breeze;
Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee; How great Thou art!
How great Thou art! Then sings my soul, my Saviour God to Thee;
How great Thou art! How great Thou art!

Movin' Out

Note to self: never wind up packing up to leave a place by yourself. Somehow it winds up being more wistful and depressing.

It's been fun, 122. I'll see you around.

Memory Sketching

My first ever major league baseball game was less glamorous than my little league game that previous week. I had gone 2-3 with a couple of infield singles, and I had been plunked on the hip by an errant pitch. We had lost by a wide margin, but at least I had played every single inning. Unfortunately, I couldn’t say the same for the game between the big boys later that evening.

My father had received two free tickets to the Cardinals game against the Pittsburgh Pirates, a relatively normal game in a long season of baseball. The game started at seven, but I knew we would probably be a little late as my dad usually got home around 6:30. By the time we left the house, it was already seven. Driving away from our comfortable suburban brick house and into the doom and gloom of downtown St. Louis was a daunting experience for a third grader. As we drove farther and farther in, more and more graffiti lined the undersides and pillars of towering highway bridges and rundown factory buildings. As we exited the highway, I tried to look unfazed by the homeless people roaming the streets. Steam rose from the manholes covering the streets as if we were in Gothem City. I couldn’t wait until we actually got into the ballpark.

Unfortunately, my dad had rarely been downtown either, and did not know where to park. For some reason, he decided to pull into a random lot with no attendees, under one of the soaring highway bridges that I had marveled at earlier. Now we were directly underneath one of them, cars roaring by some 50 miles overhead, shaking the very beams that supported the concrete behemoth of a structure. There were some other cars in the lot, as well as a rickety coin slot machine where you were supposed to pay according to your parking stall. After deciphering the coded hieroglyphics from the chipping yellow paint, my dad put a quarter in.

It simply fell to the bottom. He tried again, and the same thing happened.

My dad shrugged, and chuckled to himself. “Uh-oh. I guess we don’t have to pay.”

By the time we maneuvered our way into the outfield bleachers, it was the fourth inning already. The entire game itself was hard to follow. The outfield seemed an awful long ways away, and every time a major play happened, everyone stood up and blocked my vision. As my interest in the game waned, my nervousness over our parking situation overtook my mind.

What happens if we go back there and our car is gone? What if there’s a huge parking ticket? What if there’s graffiti all over our car?

As my panic level arose, I grew fidgety.

“How long did you want to stay?” my dad, who wasn’t a fan of baseball asked after an inning.

“We can leave after the next inning…” I quickly replied.

We went back to our car shortly after the sixth inning. Our car was sitting there as we left it.

X-Men and Related Thoughts

A bunch of us celebrated the end of senior year by going to see X-Men: First Class last night. It appealed to me a lot because it was actually my first X-Men film/real exposure to the world of Doctor Xavier and co. Similar to watching the latest Star Trek movie last year, it was a cool new world with compelling storylines that I was getting to know all at once.

Marvel has made a lot of money from this super hero motif, one of normal people becoming unnatural people in some way or form, and then adapting to their new world. They are so successful because everyone wants to be taken to this whole new world, to make believe that there are these cool characters out there that can defy normal rules of gravity. Now, starting in a couple days, us graduates have our own real-life opportunity to do just that.

The grand connection: graduating college is like getting this new power. Albeit it is not that cool or rare, but for the first time, we have a freedom and unwritten script ahead of us.

With great power comes great responsibility... or something like that.

Softball, I will miss thee

After four years of playing softball at the ARC, I can honestly say it is one of my most cherished memories of college. We've come a long ways since freshman year in housing league when I desperately tried and failed to recruit a full team, scrounging together a "Cielo" team with the help of some random guys that were already at the field.

Sophomore year, we came within one game of winning the softball classic with a random group of players, including a certain outfielder named Jason Chung. And from there, a friendship was born.

In the spring of sophomore year, we found some takers to form another housing team, this time for VDC Norte. I still remember getting womped 17-1, 15-0, 9-3 which was seen as a good game. But then in the playoffs, everything clicked. Maybe it was because we had Smalls, maybe it was because we finally figured out our defensive alignment. But who am I kidding? It was all because of "the red bat."

In the summer between sophomore and junior year, Mwen couldn't play, and we unfortunately went 2-3 or something like that.

Junior year, we were able to take the softball classic, but scuffled in the Spring with too many players missing again.

Summer season before senior year, we were dominant. Unfortunately, the whole Jason Chung coming back from Spain fiasco happened, but we can take solace in being the best team in that league.

And then this year, after getting over the heartbreak of not being able to play in the Classic, I had a grand time with both my co-ed and men's teams, which was able to win the championship against the Balco Beasts this past Tuesday.

I will miss being out on those fields with so many friends and great teammates. It was an honor being captain, really cool to play shortstop and master my opposite field stroke, and obviously nice to experience some success. I am proud that none of us really had prior baseball experience past little league, but that we all were able to improve our skills through the years. Special shoutouts to Yi Bu's transformation into an outfielder, Anne's overall learning of the game, and of course Vanessa's emergence as an all-star second baseman. But beyond all of that, there is nothing quite like being on the good old baseball diamond, rooting on your teammates swinging the bat and throwing the ball.

No More Sundays in Gateway Commons

Sitting here in the New U Office for the last time is pretty surreal.

As a freshman, I had disparaging first impressions about the paper, its size, and its layout. I thought that my time with the paper was over, but when I found out how available certain articles were, I couldn't help but jump in. I still won't forget my first interview at UCI, with 6'7 Darren Fells and Scott Roeder's fancy camera equipment. As a freshman I got to write stories on both Fells and Patrick Sanders, the two star players on the basketball team, and after that I knew I had to keep writing, if only on the side.

Moving into sophomore year and the drama of deciding on a major, I got to cover my first men's basketball game (at Fullerton late in the season no less), as well as write stories on two more of my favorite players - Kevin Bland and Rebecca Maesson.

As a junior, I went into becoming Sports Editor with a vigor and an excitement. I had a solid number of supporting writers, and I was happy with what we were able to do in terms of quality control and different features. The lovely DLy kept me company every week, while Melk Man came through with reliable coverage every week. Loquacious Lumbchops captained the ship well, even if he says he didn't know what the heck he was doing at first. At first, although I enjoyed my time with the New U, I thought about moving on in my senior year so as to free up my Sundays. But as the year went on, I realized that I cared too much about the paper, too much about UCI, to simply let go.

I never thought coming in that I would become EIC of the New U, but what a humbling blessing it has been. I do not think of myself as a natural vocal leader, and I do not think of myself as a powerful public speaker, but somehow we've made it through the year. Obviously, I couldn't have done anything without the talents of my awesome team. I've been extremely lucky to have TGL by my side. And last but not least, I can't thank TLou enough for never wavering in providing encouragement and support every time I'm stressed or tired, keeping me company on all those late Sunday dinners when every place in Irvine is closed.

While I now happily leave the New U and UCI, it's weird to think that I will no longer have those 12 hour Sundays. It's been one heck of a run.

work weight

I now realize why people gain weight in adulthood.

When you're sitting at a desk for extremely long hours in a day, the only thing you can look forward to is eating a delicious lunch and/or dinner. Or, it's a potluck day at work and you spend the entire workday munching on unhealthy snacks. All of this is compounded by the fact that you're sitting at your desk like a sloth, only moving your fingers, whispering quietly to yourself.

And now, back to work at the New U. I can't wait for lunch.

Optimism

Note: what follows is the typical "i'm about to graduate and my future is so uncertain" post. Bear with me.

Coming into freshman year, I remember being on the pessimistic side about things. I don't even really remember why, but I do distinctly contrasting with Yeebs, who was a lot more optimistic all the time. Maybe it was because I was still not very excited about being at UCI, maybe because parental pressures had turned college into a time of pressure and worry... but they were some not so good times.

Now, I feel like I am generally regarded as the optimistic one. This is partially because my workplace almost requires it, for the sake of not being depressed and down all the time, but it also goes beyond that. This past Friday at Re:Act, Luke from YWAM Kona was kind enough to pray for me, and offered an interesting image - that of a bucking bronco. He said that many people don't see the hard work that I put into [fill in the blank], but that God sees it, and affirms that. He said that I had a higher threshold to stay on the bronco. Crazy stuff!

I used to dread graduating and the (at least) year of uncertainty that was to follow, but I tend now to think about it as an exciting exploration of opportunity. Life is at as big of a crossroads as it ever has been before, but there's something thrilling about that. Don't get me wrong... the disappointing rejections and (even worse) no-replies are sure to keep coming, but at the same time, I have this sense of trust that God will eventually lead me to where I'm supposed to be. And with that in mind, how can you not be optimistic. (insert brubaker voice: C'MON!)

So even with parental pressures picking back up, striking at my self-confidence and overall sense of worth, I will keep up an optimistic mindset. Not that I'm endorsing ignorance and obliviousness to what is out there, but everything will indeed be okay in the end.

anti-social

For a variety of reasons, I feel like I have been increasingly anti-social last quarter. It takes effort to initiate lunches and catch-ups, or even just small talk banter after certain events, and I think my overall busy schedule and subsequent tired nature has taken away from that.

But upon celebrating my 22nd (ew) birthday, I realized that this is the last quarter that everyone from UCI will all be around, and that made me pretty sad.

Here's to putting in quality time with good friends. Ptl.

Bwam Recap

In short, BWAM was amazing. And I know people always say that, but I feel like Boise and Create Common Good was truly a one of a kind BWAM experience. Things are detailed much fuller in our lovely team blog, but here is a quick personal recap.

Vision
- it was inspiring to see the leadership, passion, and ultimate vision that the team leaders of Create Common Good had. It inspired me to have a better vision of my own life and future endeavors. Once that is established, it's only a matter of hard work achieving the desired results.

Hand-Selected
- it was thrilling to be able to apply creativity and our personal skills to the projects that we were assigned to do throughout the week. Not only were we able to leave a tangible mark on the organization, but we all felt like God had put us on team Boise for a reason.

Fresh Air
- even though we didn't do it for long periods of time or anything, working on the farm, shoveling and wheelbarrowing, was a refreshing time. Something about being in the brisk air and doing some good old fashioned manual labor was just so much more appealing than say, cleaning out an attic.

Eye-Opening
- it was really cool to get to know the refugees there, and just talk to them and get to know their stories. In SoCal, most people have similar stories and lives. These refugees have had incredibly hard lives, and yet they still managed a sheepish grin and joyful spirit.

Go Team
- once again blessed with an awesome team that made a 15 hour drive not so bad at all. Just going through this experience with them was a huge blessing - icing on the cake. Even with the totes pops abbrevs.

boise

For those proverbial few who still check this blog, stop doing so for a week and instead follow my bwam team at thefirstbwamboise.blogspot.com.

Full recap to follow!

car troubles

With all the issues I've had with my car these past few weeks, I feel like God is telling me to become more handy and more well-versed with the different intricacies of the beast of a machine that we Southern California residents have all grown to depend on so much.

Also, that I should value all my possessions a little more than I do.

Let this post serve as a reminder... but first, second to last finals of my undergrad career, and the very tail end of UCI basketball as a student. More thoughts on these subjects to come. Here we go!

good old webreg

Signed up for classes for the last time in my undergraduate career today. Felt no real emotion or elation, but just thought I'd throw out a small tribute to the fact that webreg and websoc are uniquely UCI's. Just search them on google and it's the first thing that pops up. Here's to those short bursts of fun that was going back and forth between these sites and rate my professor.

thoughts

To be honest, I went into this year hoping for a smooth process. Nothing too controversial, nothing overly strenuous or difficult. I saw what happened last year and told myself that I wouldn't let anything like that happen. Maybe I was a coward, maybe I was just trying to get away without the backlash.

I wasn't afraid to do the work, which is why I signed up. But this I don't know if I was prepared for.

problems

Well, this week has taught me to rule out "psychologist" from the potential future careers list.

It's brutal to hear about an aggravating problem or frustration and not be able to say anything to really help the situation.

God, thank you for blessing me with peace. It is much appreciated.

Phil 4:6-9

a weird quarter

Is it possible to feel like the days are weirdly long and exhausting, yet the quarter is zooming by faster than ever before?

I can't quite grasp how to describe it right now, but I don't like it.

pioneer spirit

At this critical juncture in life, many of us are following this unmarked path into the wilderness. Though there is no highway or cattle trail to follow, there is an end goal, and a certain excitement that lies ahead. You never know when you're going to see some crazy guy with a bear head for a hat, or stumble into the one thing you're looking for while filling up for water on the banks of a stream.

Just make sure you have someone to pick you back up when you fall into a pit with venomous snakes.

immediate post-retreat thoughts

Going into this retreat, I knew it was going to be different from before because of the workload I had to take care during the weekend. Throughout Friday and Saturday, this distanced me somewhat from the usual "hang out" times and free time that I usually took for granted. Then on Sunday, we were packed with practicing and such, and so I feel like I didn't get to SEE people as much as I wanted to. But moving on to other things...

Reminders to remember:
Spreading seeds indiscrimantly
Dancing like David, "I will be less esteemed than this!"
Radical doesn't necessarily mean large actions, but instead large effect
Renouncing and severing
Strength, beauty, and power in community
Rejuvenation and rest in him
We don't do the work
Not just forgiveness, but blessing that individual
Tears of joy
Being in tune with the holy spirit
Glimpse of eternity