no fears for tears

As a child, I had what you could characterize as loose tear ducts. I remember thinking that a piano lesson was a good one if I got through it without any tears induced from my scolding piano teacher. I remember that feeling of helplessness that came over me when I was admonished by my dad and I knew I couldn't stop myself from crying.

Somewhere down the line though, I became classically conditioned to prevent myself from crying. Maybe it was because I didn't want to appear weak; maybe it was because I didn't want to be embarrassed; maybe because my dad would always ask why I was crying every time I started welling up. Probably a combination of all three. I think early on in college, I just stopped crying. I didn't even have to try to stop myself. The closest I would get would be a tear or two during some sad scene in a movie that intentionally tugged at your heart strings. But then even that would quickly dissipate. It got to the point where I would even get uncomfortable around others who were crying. Somewhere down the line, I told myself that I had hardened up from being vulnerable to those girly tears, gotten tough, and that that was a good thing.

I don't think that is the case anymore. Sometimes you just need to let yourself shed a few tears. Sometimes you have to sob and let your nose run and be sniffly. It's relief. It's cathartic. It's probably why God created tears. Jesus never sinned, but he wept when he was filled with grief. I had a sobbing cry for the first time in years and years yesterday, and I'm unashamed of that fact.