Three Years

Relationships at this no-longer-a-kid-not-yet-a-grown-up stage of life are tricky for a number of reasons.

Most of us are still changing and growing into who we will fully become.

We are not fully independent (read: limited) -- geographically and financially.

Ultimately, the two possible outcomes only become increasingly palpable, more final in their effect.

But through all that ... it's been three years I wouldn't trade for anything. In many ways, making it through the bumps and bruises results in a more refined and stronger finished product. I am thankful for the present, nostalgic for the past, and excited about the future.

Confidence

As usual, time seems to be flying by. Somehow, I'm already going on four weeks at my new summer externship. In a little more than a month, I'll be packing up once again and heading back up to LA. I'll be starting my first round of interviews for jobs that hopefully turn into my full-time permanent position after graduation, which is an altogether terrifying topic for another day.

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On Confidence...

As a former sports writer, I would unflinchingly call out the players I thought needed more confidence, noting how they wilted in big situations or after faltering early in the game. In a game recap it was easy to describe confidence as some sort of easily quantifiable thing. 

Now, as I am thrown into frequent new and uncomfortable situations, I find my own confidence being tested all the time. As an extern in the same office with externs from other law schools, I wondered if my research and writing skills are up to snuff. As a free agent softball player, I doubted my ability to play shortstop after making an error in the first game. As an older brother near his siblings once again, I questioned if I was being a good example/role model for them. Clearly, it's much easier to call out the lack of confidence in another than to evict recurring self-doubt from yourself.

My usual eventual response is to reassure myself, a la Julie Andrews having confidence in confidence alone, because it seems like the only option. Instead, looking back I realize I should be having confidence due to God's all-knowing provision and abundance. By myself, I do fall short of just about everything. But with faith and trust in Him, I have the "confidence" needed to fulfill whatever plan God has in-store for me.

a whirlwind

Sitting here packing up my stuff to move out of my apartment for the summer is pretty surreal. My first year of law school is in the books.

Life is only going by faster and faster, and it's scary to look back and think "did I really do everything I could have done in that last week/month/semester?" I know I've shared a similar sentiment before, but moments like these is when it rings true that if we only focus on the finish line and do not cherish the journey, one day we will look back and wonder where our life on this earth has gone.

I'm looking forward to doing and enjoying a lot of different things this summer. It may be one of the last periods of time I get to live with my family, and I think it's important to not take for granted or think of SD as a bland default option.

And because I'm clearly too rusty at this blogging business to come up with a tidy ending myself, I'll share a quote I heard a while ago that I really liked.

God delights in dealing straight blows with crooked arrows.

worthy callings

For the first time in a year, I got the chance to visit my old college church this past Sunday. There was the expected joys of seeing familiar faces. There was the typical reminiscing about all the growing up, both literally and spiritually, that I had experienced at Newsong. And as so often happens, there was a message that was exactly what I needed, delivered because God knew it was what I needed to hear.

The quick hits version:

• Whatever position/status that you've been called to be in, it's okay to be there. Just be there with God.
• The Christian life can be lived by anyone, any where.
• Don't change your life circumstances (assuming you do believe what you're doing is your calling) thinking that will improve your walk with God; there is no particular "status" that automatically allows someone to be closer to God.
• We need to root our identity in Christ, not what we do for Him; we are not what we achieve.
• We only know our specific calling through a robust relationship and communion with God.

I think the reassuring takeaway is that my current status as a law student doesn't have to be detrimental to my  relationship with God. Just because I can't go on a missions trip in the near future or feel called to serve in church leadership does not mean that my walk with God cannot improve and even flourish. We can all glorify God and be a light to others in our own ways, wherever our specific calling has us currently occupied.

no fears for tears

As a child, I had what you could characterize as loose tear ducts. I remember thinking that a piano lesson was a good one if I got through it without any tears induced from my scolding piano teacher. I remember that feeling of helplessness that came over me when I was admonished by my dad and I knew I couldn't stop myself from crying.

Somewhere down the line though, I became classically conditioned to prevent myself from crying. Maybe it was because I didn't want to appear weak; maybe it was because I didn't want to be embarrassed; maybe because my dad would always ask why I was crying every time I started welling up. Probably a combination of all three. I think early on in college, I just stopped crying. I didn't even have to try to stop myself. The closest I would get would be a tear or two during some sad scene in a movie that intentionally tugged at your heart strings. But then even that would quickly dissipate. It got to the point where I would even get uncomfortable around others who were crying. Somewhere down the line, I told myself that I had hardened up from being vulnerable to those girly tears, gotten tough, and that that was a good thing.

I don't think that is the case anymore. Sometimes you just need to let yourself shed a few tears. Sometimes you have to sob and let your nose run and be sniffly. It's relief. It's cathartic. It's probably why God created tears. Jesus never sinned, but he wept when he was filled with grief. I had a sobbing cry for the first time in years and years yesterday, and I'm unashamed of that fact.

life of a law student

It's time to face the facts. It's time to admit the harsh realities. It's time to meet the Muppets...

Law school has made me into a boring person. I'm rigidly structured. I practice small talk much more frequently than I engage in deep conversation.

The daily routine is driven by checking boxes off, getting through the endless waves of requirements, just to "achieve" that certain number on a piece of paper, that line of acknowledgement on a resume.

Even my ability to write with emotion and comedic effect (humor me on that one) is rusted over, dominated instead by how to write objectively or persuasively with dry, unambiguous language. Just writing this blog post is a struggle — I feel like I've awoken from a long hibernation and am staggering around outside my cave, squinting from the sunlight and rubbing the crusty goobers from my eyes.

Okay so all of the above admittedly contains some exaggerating. But yes, my life is a grind, and not of the coffee variety, although I have also become increasingly dependent upon that.

All of this is a lead-in to my grand revelation. While there are areas of the law that I believe are important and passionate about, community is not found in the law. I need my friends and my family to be a breath of fresh air, a sigh of relief, that welcome reminder of the good ole days. I need you all for those shining reminders of how God speaks through community.

So, thank you for reading. Thank you for putting up with my dullness. You are most likely a friend I cherish in my life, regardless of whether it's been a good minute since we've last caught up. I'm sure the next time we do, it'll pick up right where we left off.

the asian-american male

As I get older, I have become increasingly interested in the Asian-American sub-culture, particularly of those whose parents faced immense hardships to immigrate to the United States. One of the cool things about law school is being introduced to individuals who have blazed the trail before me, people who faced similar pressures during childhood. Perhaps because while growing up I didn't know any ABC/K/J/et al. who belonged in that older generation, but it's always inspiring and encouraging to talk to these people who have succeeded and found balance between their cultural upbringing and their own individual interests.

While I haven't actually met him, Yul Kwon is someone who exemplifies what I'm referring to. He says he went on Survivor to break stereotypes and to be a role model for the Asian-American community; I'd say he accomplished what he set out to do. This interview below with Anderson Cooper captures things in a nutshell.